I reserve the right to be wrong.
Child-safe swear words
Ideas 25 July 2005
When you have small children (I imagine), you have to be careful what you say around them. They are just learning to speak and may seize on any word and repeat it unpredictably. This happened to a friend of mine who somehow managed to say “scrotum” within earshot of his small son. The word subsequently turned up in various inappropriate situations, to general hilarity. I’m sure this happens thousands of times a day, all over the world.
I’m not sure of the context for my friend’s “scrotum” — when you’re annoyed, all kinds of expletives can just pop out. Of course, this won’t be a problem for me, because I don’t know any rude words (except “scrotum”, and I will be careful to avoid using it gratuitously). But for the rest of you, I am compiling a list of swear words that you can safely say in front of even the most parrot-like three-year-old.
My Giddy Aunt! This sounds like something out of Gilbert & Sullivan, or possibly P. G. Wodehouse. Probably not so good if you actually do have an aunt who is giddy.
Oh, Bother. If it’s good enough for Pooh, it’s good enough for me.
Clinkers! I don’t know much about this one, but it is quite satisfying to say.
Drat. An undisputed classic.
Curses! Say this with a scowl as you angrily twirl the end of your waxed moustache. Best followed up with “…foiled again!”
Tarnation! A bit of Wild West flavour to this one.
Belgium. A rather abstract epithet from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Will probably confuse any child that hears it. Especially a Belgian child.
Fiddle-dee-dee! “What’s the French for fiddle-dee-dee?” — the Red Queen
Crumbs. This word has lovely visual appeal.
Criminy! Only characters from The Far Side ever actually say this. Maybe it deserves broader use.
Whether you have kids or not, give these words a try sometime. People are so used to hearing the same old swear words all the time — use one of these and people might actually pay attention to your annoyance.
If you have any other good words, please leave a comment — I’d love to hear your suggestions!
Update (Jan 2006): Now I do have a small child, so I have started putting these ideas into practice. Jay is not talking yet, but he is writing. See Jay Web Log: The weblog of a tiny baby boy.
Update (July 2007): Another baby, another blogger. See Felix and Jay: Two little boys on the web. Soon I will be able to retire and let them do all the writing.
I came to check out the Evermore plugin, but I enjoyed this post.
Anyway, my mom always said “criminy” when I was growing up. “Crud” was also a biggie.
My grandmother always said “lands,” and sometimes she mixed it up with “oh, lands,” “lands alive,” or “goodness-lands.” I have no idea where that comes from.
Comment from
Mister Moy
29 September 2005
1:15 am
I second Lex — I’ve heard criminy among older speakers many times.
Personally, I find “oh, dear” always works for me in polite company.
Comment from
Bennett
25 October 2005
8:41 pm
Ah yes, the classic “oh, dear”. I have recently adopted its variant, “dear oh dear”. This is particularly good because you can adjust it to the severity of the situation — from “dear oh dear, I’ve spilled my coffee” to “dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear, I’ve accidentally cut off my finger”. Very useful.
Comment from
IainW
31 October 2005
7:15 pm
“Good Grief”, “Goodness Me” and “Gee Whiz” are popular in our house. But the best source is kid’s cartoons…
“Drat”, “Double Drat”, “Jinkies”, “Jeepers” and (a favourite) “Gadzooks”.
Comment from
Elizabeth
9 November 2005
2:59 pm
I find using animal names and emotions to be fun replacements
eg. befuddled badgers, sad snakes
also have heard land’s sake, cruddy cakes. Really, anything with cakes or other baked goods seems to work.
eg.crumbly biscuits!
When using longer epithets, it is good to employ alliteration. Thanks for the suggestions everyone!
Comment from
Bennett
28 March 2006
9:25 am
Ah, “Lord love a duck!” Another Wodehouse favourite.
I’d also like to popularise “Fritter my wig!”, one of my favourite phrases from Lewis Carroll’s The Hunting of the Snark.
Comment from
Andrew
1 June 2006
11:19 am
Well there are a range of culinary based ones to choose from, as mentioned above, but for me… Fu…dgecake! springs to mind. Given my circumstance, I suppose I should pay close attention to this post… 
Comment from
Bennett
1 June 2006
11:30 am
That’s right Andrew — no sooner do I write a frivolous blog post than everybody starts having babies. Including me. I’m doing well so far — the Jay web log has no swearing on it (yet). At least you have a few months before you have to start watching your language. (Though apparently babies can hear in utero, so be careful…)
I worry about the “emergency” swearing substitutes like sh-ugar and fu-dgecake. They are a bit too euphemistic for my liking. Besides, in these times of epidemic obesity, they may be sending the wrong dietary message.
Comment from
Andrew
5 June 2006
4:20 am
The “in utero” is an interesting concept…Taking that as a suggestion, I bought a “Bebe sounds” prenatal baby sounds monitor and microphone from a garage sale on the weekend for the princely sum of $2. it consists of a highly sensitive microphone/amplifer unit with 2 sets of headphones the unit is place apon the belly and sounds are heard…mostly of the large intestinal kind it seems…but as baby grows you are suppose to be able to pick up the heartbeat. It also comes with a pair of small speakers, an amplified microphone and a wide elastic belt, with which to hold the speakers in place on the belly(the speakers can also be plugged into a mp3 player or any such source also). You then speak into the microphone and the sounds are transmitted though the walls of the belly and to the baby. I see great promise for this a learning device, and will be playing, The Feynman Lectures, to the child for remainder of the duration. I am also looking forward to speaking to the child…. “Testing testing *thump thump thump* Is this thing on?… Oh.. Ahhhhummm, Child, This is your Father speaking…”
Comment from
Andrew
6 June 2006
1:40 am
Oh and to get back on topic my Mum always use to say, Blow!
Comment from
Wranger
18 August 2006
4:43 am
The guy that said “duck” reminded me…
“Pluck a duck”
Beat that!
Comment from
Robert
23 November 2006
11:59 am
I have used: “Oh for the love of ramen noodles!”
Comment from
Bennett
23 November 2006
2:00 pm
Mmm, ramen. I still fondly remember the small ramen bar in Tokyo where we ate ramen while watching Japan get through to the second round of the FIFA World Cup in 2002. Those delicious noodles, that tasty soup.
Anyway. I have settled on saying “curses”. I say it all the time, much to the amusement of those around me. I have not yet started on the waxed moustache though.
Comment from
Steve
30 June 2007
6:37 am
We’re a family of sailors and a favorite is “flibbidy jib.”
Comment from
Bennett
4 July 2007
11:11 pm
“This is the foul fiend Flibbertigibbet” (from King Lear)
It never hurts to bring a bit of Shakespeare in…
Comment from
April
27 July 2007
8:53 am
Holy moley roley poley.
Comment from
Maggie
29 July 2007
2:28 am
Re Lex’s grandmother’s use of “lands” could be reated to my own grandmother’s favorite: “Lan a Goshen!” (Land of Goshen) from the Old Testament.
Comment from
Isabel
2 February 2008
9:59 am
i absolutely adore “oh my good golly goshness” but recently i have taken to saying “oh my” or “oh goodness” or “ghe” which is pronounced ga-HEH by the way. i also like “geeses” and “JABERWOCKING COOKIE!!” in place of JESUS CHRIST!! (same initials….yeah im THAT good……u huh.)
Comment from
Lisabeth
2 February 2008
10:03 am
Another good one is “Son of a batch of cookies!” “Son of a monkey’s uncle!”. I also like “Oh dearie me whatever shall we do?” but i usually use that is sarcasm. ps “oh my good golly goshness” is my line. Isabel’s my sister.
Comment from
carla
7 March 2008
4:40 am
i think that you guys had a good thing in mind while doing this…but i dont think that these are good
how about captain crunch
or just plain old effin
Comment from
leann
7 March 2008
4:43 am
what the french toast?!
this is STUPID
and im a lesbian
L.E.S.B.I.A.N
how about that?!
stick that in ur juice box and suck it
Comment from
Bennett
7 March 2008
9:22 pm
A little bit of stupidity never hurt anyone. But then I would say that, wouldn’t I?
Comment from
jenn
14 September 2008
1:16 pm
i especially like Belgium.easy to say at reflex, and totally random. plus people think you’re educated
Comment from
tash 'n' nikkii
21 March 2009
11:27 pm
Try kipper cups =)
Comment from
dane
1 May 2009
2:47 am
I like the old classic ” oh goodness goose ” ( actually not classic XD ) .
Comment from
dane
1 May 2009
2:49 am
its good to use around children ( i figured that out when my kids like 14 word was fxxk ).
Comment from
Betty
31 July 2009
12:30 pm
I can’t believe such language could be considered “safe”! I can assure you my children won’t be exposed to -any- of this! I am appalled, you should be ashamed of yourselves for using such extremities around the impressionable ears of children!
Comment from
Bennett
31 July 2009
8:16 pm
Betty, it’s nice to know that there are some people who are standing firm against the inexorably rising tide of vulgarity that is today’s popular culture.
Comment from
Mummie
25 August 2009
10:04 am
Thanks to Bagpuss, I love ‘Fiddlesticks and Flapdoodle’. I did ask my 5yo son to tell me the rudest word he knows, and he said, ‘Smelly Pants’. But very quietly.
Comment from
Bennett
26 August 2009
9:16 pm
“But very quietly”… I love that. That’s a fine young man you have there.
Responses to “Child-safe swear words”
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